I am realising that parenting and guilt go hand in hand. You make decisions and hope they’re the right ones but none of them seem to work perfectly. Right now the set-up at our place is I work in my little office upstairs from 10am to 5pm, Matt, my husband stays at home and takes care of Eve while I work. We take turns getting up in the morning since Eve wakes up at around 6am and neither of us likes to get up while it’s still dark. I usually bathe her and put her to bed in the evening. It’s a pretty even split most of the time and yet I still feel guilty. I can’t get over the feeling that the split shouldn’t be even, rather it feels like I should be the one that’s with Eve for the majority of the time.
Eve will often position herself at the bottom of the stairs wailing up at me “Mooommmeeeee” or I’ll hear her wandering around and asking for me. Talk about tugging at the heart strings. At those times that feeling creeps up on me…I should be down there with her full-time. We tell ourselves that we live in such a progressive society now, it’s the height of modern thinking to say that it’s just as good to have a daddy stay at home with the kids while the mommy brings home the bacon and yet I can’t get over the niggling guilt. Do men ever feel guilty as they head off to catch the DART to work in the morning? Do they wonder whether they shouldn’t really give up their job to stay at home? Where is this guilt coming from and should I be listening to it?
On a sort of related note, there was a news story circulating yesterday about complaints of abuse and neglect in Irish creches. I noticed that on television it was only TV3 that reported on it (the main RTE news didn’t mention it at all) and the only paper I saw that had it as front page news was The Evening Herald. Other papers may have had the story but it wasn’t on any of the other covers that I scanned in the newsagents. This makes me think that it might be yet another “Scare The Parents!” story. Right up there with “Formula Feeding: Will Your Child Hate You?” and “The Internet Abducted My Baby!”
You see it’s that guilt thing again. Maybe it’s my cynical side showing through but I can’t help but think that news editors know we parents are wracked with the stuff and those kinds of stories are like bait on a hook to us. They’re tapping into our feelings of fear and inadequacy and telling us: “Yes, you’re dead right, you’re messing your child up for life and putting them in mortal danger.”
Well, I’m determined not to buy into it. I can think up far scarier scenarios in my head anyway.
Update: I see Omani has been thinking along similar lines as he has a funny post about the shocking state of affairs at his own *ahem* creche.
11 replies on “Parents Be Scared!”
Hello Claire!
Girl, I sure don’t have any insight here. This is one of the things I’ve avoided by still being single and with no kids. But if it makes you feel any better… I feel guilty about lots of other things…
You are not alone.
Hi Claire,
Its interesting what you point out – eventhough I can say those are yout maternal feelings rather than stupid guilt though. I think that splitting the care of your baby is a good thing, it’ll allow you to pick up other things of your life and yout husband to also be connected to the baby.
if you reaslly feel bad about it then there’s one solution, talk about it. communication’s always the best thing 🙂 You go girl.
Thanks for your comment by the way, I appreciate it!
Claire,
I’m a stay-at-home dad and sometimes I feel guilty about not being the one out there as the main income earner. You can’t win, can you?
This is such an interesting and important topic. I’ll try not to be funny, though I suspect my humour is one way of keeping the worries at bay.
You wonder whether Men ever feel that guilt as they set out on the Dart. I can’t answer for other men but I can answer for myself.
I went out to work two weeks after my first son was born. I went into a new job and I had to pass a training course exam if I was to get properly into the new job. I didn’t feel any guilt. I was happy that my wiffe number 1 was at home all day with the infant, and I was delighted to get home at the end of work. What I found hard was the nights. I kept falling asleep when I was meant to be awake making cups of tea for herself while she breastfed. That was a real struggle and I think I failed that test. I started off with such good intentions and ended up needing to go sleep in another room in case I would not be fit for work in the morning. I felt bad about that. In fact I hated that. The wiffe was terribly tired with the feeding and she needed sleep too. Gradually things got a bit better because I went on to working shift-working and could take over and give her time to sleep. But breast-feeding, which I was all in favour of, kept me a bit of an outsider.
Child number one was a bit of a nightmare. He was always troubled or ill and the wiffe was most upset to go back out to work at 6 months.
Obviously I could write a book about it all…
This time, 24 years later, with wiffe number 2, things are completely different. I am stay-at-home dad and loving it. I have never felt one sliver of guilt over the wiffe going out to work leaving me with the baby. She has found it hard: that’s an other story. It is getting easier by the day. I don’t really want to earn any money except that I’d feel bad about asking for pocketmoney for golf or underwear.
But it strikes me that you have a situation that anyone would find difficult: you upstairs in the tower. Princess downstairs looking for the Queen…
I can understand it if your hubbie finds it had to deal with a princess in search of her queen.
What a lovely name… eve … evening beckons eh?
ps The politics of childcare: an essay into guilt management and idealisation – the title of our new book eh!
I meant to say one more thing.
I went off to work without any guilt whatsoever. I think that’s not so hard to do when you have not carried the infant around growing inside you for 9 months. Unfortunately I didn’t have that experience as my backdrop. I was a spectator. A supporter, certainly. But not a player on the pitch with the foetus in my possession. So I was bound to feel differently.
Your story is very familiar. I’m not sure there’s a lot a husband can do in the breastfeeding early days. I remember feeling very lonely during those long nights but it would have been crazy to have Matt be awake and as tired as me the next day when he had to go out and do tough physical work (he was a gardener at the time).
I think you have something there with that book idea.
Ah, guilt! A pet project of mine, actually. I try to practice it a little every day.
I am also a work from home mom, though in my case, I am also my son’s primary caregiver. I worry that I don’t spend enough time just playing with him and having fun instead of all the other things I do to run our household. Don’t get me wrong. I do play with him or just hang out some each day. I just always wish it were more.
When I’m not feeling guilty about that, I’m feeling bad that I haven’t spent enough time seeking out new clients so I can bring in more money and let my husband have a break from working so hard.
I think there’s something inherent about becoming a mother in today’s culture. I think we’re expected to do and be more than anyone person can.
Anyway, I enjoyed finding your blog and thought I’d let you know I really related to your post.
Cheers,
Dawn
Greetings again. I don’t want this thread to dry up.
“I think you have something there with that book idea.”
What do you mean? I didn’t say anything about “that” book idea. I was dreaming about “our” book. You know the novel set in a Dublin hotel, written by several authors. I reckon it would be easy to write a book about guily parenting using that technique. There seems to be no shortage of parents with knowledge of guilt.
Hi Omani,
For some reason your comment got caught up in my super-strict comment-spam blocking. No idea why.
I like the suggested title of “our” book. I think idealisation is the silent twin of the guilt that parents feel. So much of what I feel guilt over are products of my idealised version of what parenting and the behaviour of a young child ought to be.
Hi there,
I just read the message about your husband staying at home with your child during the day, while you go to work.
I’m currently working on a television series called Life Without Me and am looking for a family in the same situation. We are actually finding it difficult to find stay at home dads anywhere in Ireland.
If you, or anyone reading this thread who is a stay at home dad or knows one, could send me an email, I’d really appreciate it. I am happy to send you information about the series via email.
Kind Regards
Tracey
Assistant Producer
Life Without Me
oops. My email address is simply lifewithoutme@gmail.com
I’d love to hear from all the dads who have written comments today. It’s so great to finally find a place where dads hang out! It’s been difficult finding any stay-at-home dad groups in the real world.