Author: Claire

Large Red-Faced Man
Newsagent Doorway
Tescos Shopping Centre
Ballybrack

Dear Sir:

I wish to apologise for delaying your entry to the aforementioned newsagent on the afternoon of February 22nd. I understand you were in a huge hurry to buy your copy of the Irish Times and the way I was blocking the doorway with my gaudily-coloured three-wheel buggy was obviously a source of great irritation to you.

If I might take a moment to explain myself as I didn’t get a chance at the time (you must not have heard my pitiful attempts as you were very busy glowering and tutting and never met my eye): You see the doorways of most Irish newsagents were built before the days of the modern buggy. I suppose back then (in your day if I might be so bold) young children were much better behaved and were trained to curl themselves into tighter spaces like miniature contortionists so as to avoid making a nuisance of themselves, but nowadays we have the new monster-truck varieties of pushchair, which we must buy to avoid becoming social pariahs while out and about with our young tearaways. These new-fangled contraptions, as you probably know them, are built for looks and status and not for maneuverability. So, it is no wonder really, and I only have myself to blame, that I found myself and my buggy wedged in the doorway and blocking your way.

To add insult to injury, as I stood trying in vain to jiggle and hoist my bright red pushchair from the vice-like jaws of the door, its young passenger woke up and began to screech in a very high-pitched tone that set the windows of the shop to trembling. I can only beg your forgiveness that I have not taught my offspring that making any kind of noise in public is downright rude for anyone under the age of twenty-one, and, if you awake to find yourself stuck in a door with a wild-eyed parent trying madly to shake you loose then the appropriate response is one of calm, restraint and a stiff upper lip, not panic.

And who was I to expect a helping hand? You are obviously a very busy man as you were in far too much of a hurry to find a pair of shoes and had raced from the house in your slippers. I noticed your car wasn’t in one of the standard parking spaces but instead was parked diagonally across two handicapped spaces. Please, don’t misunderstand, I’m not criticising; a man of your importance shouldn’t have to worry about the same rules and restrictions as the rest of us. Plus you were only going to be in the shop for a moment right? How dare I think that I might impose even further on your time and have you pull the door open…something I couldn’t do by myself and extract the buggy at the same time.

Thank goodness I managed to attract the attention of the shopkeeper who helped me out of my predicament so you could be about your business. I don’t resent at all the look of distaste you shot my way as you bustled past. The pile of newspapers had dwindled to the height of my knee, so your haste was understandable. I’m sure the people in the line at the checkout understood you pushing past and I must commend you on the accuracy of your aim when you threw your change over their heads at the shopkeeper. How thoughtful of you to have the correct change, you are an example to us all.

Sincerely,

Claire Wilson
Bad Mother